Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Becoming a mum, without a mum

When I first started blogging, I wrote a really personal post about my life but then deleted it, my life has been way too depressing to feature on my lovely blog. But I feel that in order to make this blog completely personal I should explain my background, and maybe even help people who have been in the same situation as myself.

In May 1992 my mum and dad welcomed me into the world. Over the next few years to follow I presume I lived a normal childhood, my photo album shows me enjoying life on holiday with my mum and dad...and sometimes my gran.

In November 1997 my life changed forever when my mum passed away from breast cancer. I was only 5 at the time and an only child. I remember my mum being ill, we used to go and visit her in the hospital. But most memorable was the moment my dad and my mum's best friend broke the news to me. I also remember her funeral like it was yesterday. My dad was completely devastated as would any husband be and I don't think he ever really came to terms with her death. The years that followed were terrible, I was a young child being brought up by a single father who didn't really know how to bring up a girl. My dad very quickly turned to alcohol to escape his loneliness. Three years after mum died when I was 8 years old my dad made the decision to put me in an all girls boarding school 200 miles away from home and from whatever family I had left.

Then, during the summer holidays of 2007 while I was round at a friends house, I was given the news by police that my dad had passed away by a suspected heart attack. He went on a walk on his own and apparently just collapsed. I was 15 years old and due to go back to school to start my GCSES. I was now an orphan.

So needless to say, I have been dealt with a rubbish set of cards but my situation has never held me back. I've just got on with life. I don't like it when people take pity on me. Sure, times have been hard and there was a time when I would cry myself to sleep every night. But I'm sure if I hadn't of gone through all of that, then I wouldn't be the person I am today. But now I'm a mum to a beautiful little boy, my family is complete...but it's not at the same time. I miss my mum so much, now more than ever. I've gone through my childhood, teens etc without her and now I'm facing the biggest challenge ever of being a new mum without her by my side.

I know that their are plenty of people out their who have lost 1 or both parents, it isn't just me and we all miss them being by our side. I would have loved to have had my mum with me during my pregnancy and birth, that one woman who you can confide in no matter what. Since Joey was born, people tell me that I've taken to being a mum like a duck to water, which is probably true, but it still doesn't fill that void that something is missing. I have a great mother-in-law, I've know her most of my life but it's different.

If any of you have lost their mum or maybe you really just don't talk to her, don't worry things are going to be fine. We're not helpless and should focus on making our mums proud by being the best mum we can be to our children. On the other side, if your someone who still has your family intact, don't ever take them for granted. I don't think I would have got through all of that sadness if it wasn't for my close friends and family, especially my hubby. He really gets me and understands the pain I've been through.

I know this is a really deep blog post but hopefully all of the sad times are now in the past and I can concentrate on being a mummy and a wife. Thanks to every single one of you who take the time to read my posts, it makes me so happy.

Until next time...

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